When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain
Siren's Song
Monday, February 16, 2004
I go down on my knees and pray;
May the Lord give me wings,
So I may fly far far away.
For a few days each month I go through a tortorous hormonal-induced process - the terrifying psychological isolation of a cramped, nervous, and discomforted individual.
Does anyone remember urban legends about bonsai kittens a few years back? Cute furry lil' animals bred in rectangular jars. After four weeks of confinement, their bones and tissues get crunch and scrunch and takes on the shape of the grossly undersized cell.
I feel like that (sometimes).
When two people are in love, there's no right or wrong. Everything is simply done in the name of love.
Because I love him, I rather use my kitty claws to scratch the four walls of my cell, alone. Meow.
Because he loves me, he gave me words of assurance like "I will still sit by your side quietly and smile at you."
I need time to get used to the effects of something. It'll prolly take me two or three months (as stated). From now till then I'll be lashing out at every small lil' thing like a lioness nipped in her tail. My words will be fixated on my own feelings - hailstones of frustration and brooding clouds of suicide. But I have not forgotten his kind intentions and sacrifices.
I know, and I remember. For one who thinks about every possibility and every cause and effect, how can I not? Which makes me wanna stay away from him more. In case I bite him; in case I sink my teeth and claws into him.
I was so afraid last night. So overwhelmed by the urge to swallow twenty lil' somethings, so wanted to black out the mess and turmoil and war within me, so wish I could sink into a dark fluid oblivion where nothing could touch me.
I get so short of breath too. My sudden shifts from my study table to my bed must have puzzled him somewhat. I can't breathe. Sometimes I just feel like lying on my bed and let my flesh melt into the fabric. Getting up is a chore. Going to school is an uphill battle. I have an hour to decide still. Should I go?
He said he'll never leave me. Yet he made a comment that contradicts his previous statement. "As long as we're together, [it's] yours and..." I felt like a tree being yanked out of the soil, with roots dangling in the air - the nakedness, the uncontrollable chills, the surprise, the speechlessness. Erms, I do make bad comparisons. But my words reflect the images that are being conjured in my head. I am a tree.
Aikes. Tree. Bads. I don't really like trees. Trees bring back memories of broken words and empty promises. I had a big tree once. That big tree, who told me he'll always be my big tree, ended up saying he's still under the shade and protection offered by his parents. Ergo, he can't be my big tree.
I can't really blame the tree, can I? At the time when people say anything, it's almost always true - for that moment, at that time. A friend once told me "If someone tells you that he loves you, he means it. And even if he no longer loves you, he has still loved you, and loved you truly while he still did."
I need a big hug. Unconditional, for no reasons. Just to "luxuriate in his aura".
